Isla: A Pilipina Perspective column by Wilma Consul Being Single Don't get me wrong. I love falling in love. I am a romantic, after all. Born on the Day of Intimacy, how could I not be? I even collect hearts, okay. It may sound like bitter exposition, but I don't care much for relation ships these days. Women in this e-mail generation contend with more challenges that prevent them from rushing into serious relationships than the women before them. It ain't gonna be as smooth as our mamas' or grand mas' love stories. It's a harsh realization and tough to accept, but for me, it's also a most welcome and cherished consequence. As a single Pinay in her very early 30's living in San Francisco, I get it from all sides. The questions go in order: How old are you? Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend? Why not? And sometimes, it goes on: Are you gay? Then their own answers: Oh, you're a career woman You're picky. You're a nag. You're high maintenance. Sometimes, I get encouragement: That's good, enjoy single life first. Other times, warnings: I heard it's risky to have a baby in your late 30'S. A fortune teller told your mother that one of her daughters will be an old maid, but I won't tell you who. It's not hard to guess since I have only one sister, and she's already married. I don't think that being married is overrated just that being single is underrated. At times, I worry myself. Old maids and bachelors do run in my family. Oh my gad, what ifi could not have babies? So I go into a fantasy mode... Someday, I'll have a house with a pool, a big dog, and my baby (adopted, artificially-insem inated, or naturally-inseminated by a really understanding friend or a guy I used only for that purpose and never let him know that the baby was his). Fortunately, I always come back to reality. And reality is I like being single. I like doing things without considering another person's opinion. I like not having to care for a significant other who I'll think about, and I wouldn't be able to concentrate on the million things I have to do. I like just taking off somewhere without letting a partner know what time I'll be home. I don't like waiting for a call to know he's okay. I guess, I like being emotionally unattached. I'll be the first to admit that this is a phase, and a valid one. It's human nature to put up an armor when ever we get hurt, whether we are in a relationship or not. I think, though, that I've always had a protective wall around me simply because of the culture I knew as a child. I grew up reading Tagalog komiks, those illustrated love stories with happy endings. I listened with fervor to my mother's tale of her and my father's courtship. For a long time, I thought my first boyfriend will automatically become my husband, my partner for life till death do us part. Well, duh! I also grew up in a culture where adultery is frowned upon yet readily accepted, its fruits I've seen through the grief and embarrass ment of many women, some of whom are close to me. Because of this, I couldn't trust men. I followed this train of thought for many years, and always, to my own detriment. In my college days, it manifested into the stereotype of the dominant and jealous Pilipina girlfriend. Forgive me, but I was young and naive, immature and very insecure. My lessons I learned from painful experiences which taught me the most about relationships, and more importantly, about myself. I learned to be stronger alone and to be happy alone. I'd like to think that somehow, I came out of it, not really unscathed, but wiser. Wise enough to know that being alone doesn't mean being unhappy. Sure, single life can be lonely, and when it happens, acknowledge it, deal with it, then move on. It's harder if you're a casualty of PMS. Just blame it on the hormones, and be thankful that it will be over soon, and after a double dose of Advil. When you're single, you have the chance to explore and do the things you always said you wanted to do. Travel if you can. Live in another city, state or country. You'll learn to appreciate your hometown, family, new experience and new friends. Along the way, you might even run into the right one. But don't go sizing up the people you meet, thinking this could be the one. I know people who choose to date a lot, and that's cool. Just don't date for the sake of dating. Or worse, jump into one relationship after another. It ain't a basketball court, ya'll. I, for one, don't like dating. It minimizes the risk of kissing amphibians. And a sad experience forced me to be very careful more than I've ever been. So I refuse to get impressed by guys with touches of good packaging—luscious face, sumptuous six-pack, spotless cars, prestigious job, multiple degrees. By poetic (or cheesy?) lines that when you first hear sound so sin cere. And take to heart the reassur ance, "I'm not like other guys. Thanks to the past, the toads and the ex-'s, now I know that Mr. Right is someone who will support and rejoice my strengths, accept my vulnerability, nurture my weakness and grow with me as a friend, a lover, a confidante. Naturally, I will do the same for him. I know that honesty, trust, giving, laughter and hard work make a solid and lasting relationship. And how can I forget? Gotta have that love thang. I'm not too eager about finding the right one anymore. If it's meant to be, it will happen. In the meantime, I'm enjoying how to be the best in the relationship that counts the most, and that's the relationship with yourself. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  | Home | Site Map | E-Mail us |      All rights reserved. ©1998 ©1999 NewFilipina ©1998 ©1999 BagongPinay.